Stewie: How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you’re working on there? Your big novel you’ve been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.

So a friend asked me today, “Hey D? How DO you write a novel?”

Well, let me take a break from writing and rewriting my synopsis to tell you. You spend every day banging on a keyboard like a monkey, and eventually the skies part and your book is published by a Big 6 publisher and you make a bajillion dollars. See illustration of it here:

That’s me on the right, cigarette in hand.

Okay, okay. Just kidding. Let me start with a caveat: I am no a published author. Yes, I write every day for work, but I’m a hack and that’s different. I have not published a novel. No, most people who write novels do not get them published. Yes, I have thought of self-publishing and no it is not an option for me right now. I have stars in my eyes, y’all.

Bleached is my fourth novel. Usually I get an idea for a novel from a dream/nightmare, or something that really moved me in the news or current culture. My first novel, The Twelfth Kingdom, was based on a nightmare I had of a princess jumping out of a window to escape a murderous lunatic. Bleached was borne (get it? Bourne/borne? ha!) from news coverage of Russian spies living among us as ordinary citizens.

Next, I start talking about it out loud. Why is the idea of foreign agents posing as Americans scary? What does that mean for our country? How does no one notice they have thick Russian accents, and are supposedly native to Colorado? For real, America. Use your brain!

Then, I ask questions. What if you were born in to an agency that bred people to be spies, living around the world? What would that life be like for that person? I’ve always been fascinated by the mind and how our brains don’t always work as they should. This formed by main character, Kendra. She’s a teen girl with no memory of her past life as an asset for the Agency, a powerful military/political group.

Once I have a character, I start interviewing her. I know, that sounds weird. It’s not, I swear! I sit down and write a list of questions that you would ask any person in a regular interview. What’s your favorite food? Where do you live? Do you have a boyfriend? Then, I go back and answer the questions as Kendra would answer. This helps shape the personality of the character. Even if her favorite food never comes up in the novel, it’s nice to know it exists.

Then, I sketch a rough outline of the entire book. That means an intro, middle plot points, a big exciting peak in action, and the denouement. That, by the way, is just a fancy French term for ‘ending,’ or tying up the strings of your plot. Sometimes I like to use big words to offset my intake of pop music.

Then, I write. Every. Single. Day. I start at the beginning with the first scene. I place the character in situations that follow my outline, and sort of watch how she reacts.

I’ve also found that writer’s block is just your brain’s way of telling you that what you are writing is just not…right. While following my outline, I’ll inevitably come to a point where nothing sounds right. Then, I have to sit back and ask myself what I don’t like about the manuscript. I rewrite the heck out of it, and suddenly my creativity flows again.

Once I’m done writing the entire manuscript, I set it aside for a few weeks. When I re-read it, I make edits and rewrite scenes. Then, test readers give me feedback. I rewrite scenes. Then test readers read it again. Then, I rewrite scenes. I review notes from my partner in crime (thanks, husband) and rewrite scenes.

Are you sensing a theme?

When I’ve rewritten it to death, I add my chapter divisions. Then, I send it out in to the world to hopefully not be rejected.

So, to review:

1. Idea

2.Research

3. Outline

4. Writing

5. Re-writing (Repeat ad nauseum)

6. Eat pasta to cope with re-writing

See, six easy steps to write your own novel. Seems simple enough, right?